


the melancholy of stars in cosmic exile

by deepspacevoyagers



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Background Femslash, Background Nyota Uhura/Janice Rand, Gen, Mental Anguish, Mental Coercion, Mental Link
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:40:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 9,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21720052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepspacevoyagers/pseuds/deepspacevoyagers
Summary: Even the brightest of stars fade away.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

The stars had always beckoned to her.

Whenever she couldn’t sleep, she would creep to the window and count the number of stars in the heavens above.

She could never come up with the same numbers, but she was content to come up with names for each object in the sky, and fantasizing about visiting the peoples that lived there until she was lulled to sleep.

Most nights, she used her imagination to create completely new worlds – where was the fun in deciding that a group of aliens always had three legs, when they could be garden slugs or even walking trees, depending on her mood?

The rest of the time, she continued to add stories for stars she had claimed for herself.

The brightest star, she decided, was a peaceful system inhabited by dogs and their owners, and the short distance meant that she could make trips there every week, maybe even set up a holiday home there when she grew up. Whereas one of the dimmest, distant stars held in orbit a desolate, rocky planet, hiding a group of reclusive underground aliens, one which travellers were warned to never go near. Another faraway twinkle of light was reserved for a species of shapeshifters, who were shy at first but later learnt to play unlimited games of hide-and-seek with her.

When she was older, she started trying to identify the distant spheres with the help of an astronomy guide she’d secretly downloaded. The names are strange and slip over her tongue – _Bulk-Can? Vulkan?_ – yet as she learns more and more, she longs to leave the confines of her planet and follow her heart.

But her thoughts of exploring the cosmos are always banished by her grandmother.

Her grandmother, who only ever speaks telepathically and has never stepped off-world.

Her grandmother, who continues the old-fashioned tradition of wearing hideous wigs with animals caged inside, ignoring their clear mental anguish just as easily as she ignores her granddaughter’s desires to see the stars.

Her grandmother, who bonded her with a member of the Fourth House when she was just twelve, and expects her to take the hand of this stranger in marriage upon reaching adulthood.

She still loves her deeply, of course, but their duty, Grandmother asserts, is to their House, just as it was for the generations and generations before them.

Her own mother is far less conservative, but still reluctant.

_I don’t understand why you want to leave everything behind just to go on some adventure._

_You won’t understand, Mother, but I want to do this._

_If you want to explore, then join the Diplomatic Corps. Or even Starfleet._

_That’s not fun, Mother, and you know that._

_I’m just worried about you, Little One. How will I know you’ll be safe out there, alone? I wouldn’t know what to do if anything happened to you._

_Nothing’s going to happen to me._

She’s sure of it.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s love at first sight.

Earth is only the second planet she’s been to after Vulcan, but she’s already fallen in love with the sounds and the thoughts and the sights.

Humans, she thinks, are most extraordinary.

In some ways, what she hears reminds her of home.

It seems almost universal that people are preoccupied with thinking about everything from their travel plans, what to wear, or the delicious meal they had for lunch.

Yet, there’s no archaic obsession with one’s status, and it is clear that the humans are free to pursue their deepest desires with nothing holding them back, not pride, nor familial expectations.

It’s refreshing.

On a whim, she decides to visit a city called San Francisco, where the grounds bustle with uniformed Starfleet cadets.

In another life, she would have been among them, but she’s content to watch the world go by, taking one step at a time.

While looking for souvenirs to send home, she stumbles upon an antique bookshop. Remembering one of her mother’s requests not to stand out too much – people like her were still uncommon off-planet – she leafs through a torn and tattered guide to baby names.

They’re arranged in an alphabetical order alien to her, and she starts mouthing words that catch her eye.

_Le-igh? Ehri-ka? De-anna?_

Then, she sees the name that would be hers.

Christine.

According to the guide, it’s an antiquated one, last popular almost three hundred years ago.

_Chris-teen_.

Beautiful and gentle at the same time, it’s nothing at all like the names of her homeworld.

Most importantly, it sounds human.

She purchases the book and pays a visit to the Betazoid Embassy in Paris the next morning to make changes to her travel documents.

It’s not cheap, and the officials, in their isolated, gated, community, can’t understand why she would want to hide behind the guise of a mere human, a peasant.

But the trouble is worth it.

Her name is no longer misspelled and mispronounced, and the people she meets stop giving her strange second looks.

She knows she has it easy, though.

She knows, from the sudden mass of thoughts marking that Saurian restaurateur or those Denobulan tourists as outsiders as she goes about her day.

Most unsaid remarks are simply that of curiosity, but a minority are unabashedly hostile and she shudders. What would they think of her, if they knew that she was not one of them?

Earth is beautiful, but it has its flaws.

She can’t stand it after a while and decides to train herself to filter out more thoughts as background noise. It takes some time and a costly Vulcan textbook on mental shielding, but as the radius shrinks, she feels more at ease, content to be in the background.

She does, however, allow herself one small indulgence: blue contact lenses, as bright as the sea. They go along surprisingly well with her sunny new blonde hair, and she feels just as radiant as she looks. After all, she’s never cared to be ordinary.


	3. Chapter 3

As much as she loves travelling, she feels as though she’s missed out something.

Sipping a mug of hot cocoa as she relaxes in her private sanctuary in one of Andor’s more isolated resorts, she looks over her travel records and messages sent home.

After Earth, she’d visited Mars, Alpha Centauri and Tellar Prime – and realizes that no matter what planet, she had never failed to visit museums and cultural heritage sites. Her padds are full of theories and musings; orphaned hypotheses that could have been much more.

Her heart, she decides, is telling her that she wants to go back to school.

Deciding to enrol in a Terran university, she initially opts for courses on astronomy and sociology, until an introductory class on bio-research changes her mind.

She knows her grandmother would disapprove, deriding it as work only suited for servants of their House, but she doesn’t care. She follows her heart and signs up for more classes, eagerly throwing herself into her studies.

Along the way, she loses part of herself.

She’s always considered herself loud and impulsive, but participating in countless presentations and seminars trains her to be more reserved and thoughtful. Her emotions are tempered by the long hours spent doing research and experiments, and she learns to only focus on what’s relevant. Before long, she manages to close her mind with discipline that a Vulcan would be proud of.

Her own mother would have barely recognized her now. Her grandmother, even less so.

But it doesn’t matter, because she’s fallen in love.

With Roger, she can be herself, and she doesn’t need to read his thoughts to know that they’re perfect for each other, both professionally, and behind closed doors. They’ve already worked together for years, creating their own niche in the field of bio-research, their talents complementing each other perfectly.

The day she graduates, Roger proposes to her.

She accepts, and stops sending messages home.


	4. Chapter 4

She’s among the stars again, on the Starship _Enterprise_.

It pained her to give up her career and everything she’d worked for, but she can't abandon Roger.

Not when they were just about to settle down.

Roger and Brownie had left months ago on a promising expedition to Exo III, but they disappeared without a trace, as if they had vanished into thin air.

She sends hundreds of worried messages, but only receives silence in return.

When the second rescue party comes back empty handed, she decides that she has to do something.

She’d almost considered returning home and borrowing a ship to look for him herself, but knows that her family would never allow it. She’s changed too much; Grandmother would never approve of who she’s become.

She’s her own person, and she has to do this with her own strength.

Which is why she enlists with Starfleet, agreeing to take long-distance courses to cement her qualifications.

There’s a steep learning curve, but the fact that the _Enterprise_ is scheduled to make a stop at Exo III drives her forward and motivates her to become the nurse that she can be.

Sometimes, though, she takes a break to gaze at the stars, letting her mind wander.

On rare occasions, when the angle is just right, she just barely makes out her planet as it glitters in the distance, and feels a pang of homesickness.

But as much as she misses her mother, she won’t let her wings be clipped ever again.

She’ll return home, one day.

Only after she’s found Roger.


	5. Chapter 5

She’s used to wandering the corridors in solitude.

The _Enterprise_ is so large and confusing that she often finds herself lost in a maze of identical corridors, but she always manages after a while.

Today, she’s supposed to check in on a crewman confined to bed rest in her quarters, and to her dismay she realizes that she’s lost again.

She stops to check the deck’s floor map, when she hears the voice of an angel.

“Do you require assistance, Nurse?”

A regal woman dressed in operations red is standing by her side, looking at her expectantly with a warm smile and glittering eyes.

She can’t help but smile back.

“Thank you, Lieutenant –?”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura. You must be new here.”

“I am. I’m looking for Yeoman Tamura’s quarters, to check up on her.”

“Well, you’re in luck, because I’m headed in that direction. So, what brings you to Starfleet, Nurse –?” Uhura inquires as they walk down a corridor she swears she had already passed by.

“Christine. Christine Chapel. ” She notices with interest that Uhura seems to know everyone they’re passing by, giving quick nods or smiles. “My fiancée went missing on Exo III, so I signed up to search for him.”

“I’m sorry,” Uhura says with genuine concern, squeezing her arm gently. “I hope you find him some day.”

“I hope so too,” she says, as she’s led down another unassuming corridor, finally stopping at a door marked with Yeoman Tamura’s name.

“Well, Nurse, this is it.” Uhura beams. “I hope to see you around again.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.” She’s interacted with many of the crew on duty, but this is the first time she actually feels a connection.

“Nyota. Call me Nyota.” _A kind name, for a kind soul._

“In that case, call me Christine.”

“Then, until next time, Christine.”

Nyota gives her another one of her stunning smiles, and leaves.

That night, she searches thorough her computer’s database, and finds out that the name Uhura means freedom in a language called Swahili.

She decides that she likes the other woman even more.


	6. Chapter 6

She’s gone over what to say dozens of times in her mind, and expects to be dismissed curtly after giving her sincere apologies for her lapse in behaviour.

_I’m sorry, Mr Spock. I wasn’t in control of myself._

_I don’t know what I was thinking. Please don’t fire me._

_The virus did it._

What was she thinking, confessing her love when Roger was still out there?

As anticipated, he accepts her apology, and she steels herself for the dismissal that is coming.

Except that it doesn’t come.

Instead, Spock raises his eyebrow and eyes her evenly.

“You are not who you appear to be, Miss Chapel.”

“Sir?”

“Vulcans,” Spock begins, “Are touch-telepaths. When you held my hand, a brief telepathic link was inadvertently formed, one that could only have been created by two telepaths.”

She says nothing, but her gut is churning.

“Therefore, I am curious as to why you have chosen to hide your telepathic abilities and your real heritage.”

She sighs and looks down. “There’s no point denying this, isn’t there?”

Spock gives her a look, suggesting that she should continue.

“On my world, we value being open. Reading each other’s minds is part of who we are. But here, people won’t understand. It’s not right and for all that talk about harmony, some still have misgivings about my people. I’m sure you understand that too.”

She doesn’t mention that she had closed her mind a long time ago, and for a good reason.

“Indeed,” Spock concedes. “However, is it not illogical not to use your skills during a crisis or when dealing with hostile threats?”

She stays silent, but dips her head in acknowledgement. “I’d appreciate it if you kept this to yourself, Mr Spock.”

“You should, however, consider my words. Telepathy may a burden at times, but in the right situation, it can prove to be a gift.”

“I’ll think about it. Sir.”

“Dismissed.”


	7. Chapter 7

She should have known better.

_Stupid, stupid Christine._

She should have used her senses to reach out once they were in orbit of the planet, or at the very least when Brownie failed to recognize her at first.

She should have abandoned all pretences and found out what went wrong when all hell began to break out.

But she didn’t.

She trusted Roger, enough to want to spend the rest of her life with him.

She wanted to believe that it was really him standing right in front of her, albeit twisted and warped from his isolation on the planet.

She wanted to believe she could help him recover from his trauma, bring him back to who he was.

Yet she had failed to realize the obvious and had let herself be fooled by her emotions, condemning the rest of the landing party and putting the ship at risk.

_Stupid, stupid Christine._

It was the exact type of situation Spock had wanted her to use her telepathy in, but she had been so blinded by love and loyalty that she had remained a passive bystander. A fool.

She doesn’t think she can ever fall in love ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Christine was really serving up looks in this episode, but I can't stand how she was written as being so passive, gah. :<


	8. Chapter 8

It takes her a while, but she slowly feels like herself again.

Devoting her attention to her nursing studies makes the pain go away, and she finds herself enjoying her work more than she ever imagined.

Nyota’s still worried about her though, and introduces her to Janice Rand, saying that one can never have enough friends.

She feels like the third wheel at first – the two have been seeing each other for a while, and she has nothing to contribute to their gatherings, where Nyota teaches them how to sing, and Janice lectures on advanced hair braiding techniques.

But they absolutely adore her, telling her that they love her just the way she is.

They are her real first friends, and she comes to enjoy their long conversations and moments full of joy and laughter.

With them, she can be loud and impulsive again, just as she had been.

The last time she was this blissful, she had been in love with Roger.

This time, she knows it’ll last.


	9. Chapter 9

It’s a perfectly ordinary day.

No emergencies, no life-or-death situations, no threats to interstellar peace.

Or at least, it was supposed to be, except for the fact that Spock had not only kidnapped his former captain, but also locked the _Enterprise_ on a course to Talos IV in defiance of General Order 7.

So instead of perusing the latest Denevan Medical Journal and catching up on her studies, she’s holed up in sickbay, busy scrutinizing Spock’s medical records to look for any signs that he was previously compromised.

_I know it can’t be the Psi 2000 virus. We wiped out all traces of it._

_Perhaps it’s some lingering mental trauma from his classified involvement with whatever caused the USS Discovery’s destruction. But he was cleared for duty by Starfleet’s top physiatrists, and his record is spotless._

_Maybe something big happened to him during his long leave of absence prior to that incident._

_Either that, or he’s a Trojan horse. I’m betting the Talosians put in some hidden command in his mind the first time they met, coercing him to return._

Her mind starts to tingle, the way it always does when she’s starting to put things together.

_But if that’s the case, why would they want him to come back? And why bring Captain Pike along for the ride? Why would he risk our lives for this?_

The tingling grows louder, and she’s suddenly reminded of her childhood, the gentle nudging that came from her friends whenever they played hide and seek.

Someone is trying to contact her.

But how? Her mind is closed, and her shields are strong –

_We did not summon you here._

Startled, she nearly falls from her seat.

_Have you returned to join your captain?_

Her heart pounding in her chest, she forces herself to ignore the voices coming from who she quickly deduces are the Talosians.

But why would they want to make contact with her?

How did they reach in and form a link with her, completely ignoring her shields?

She feels a flare of anger.

_Who gave them the right to do this?_

Right now, she should report this to her superiors currently involved in Spock’s trial; provide them with more evidence.

It’s her duty as a Starfleet officer.

Yet, instead of getting up and leaving, she takes deep breaths to compose herself, then opens her mind to the voices.

_I believe you have me mistaken for someone else. Captain Pike’s former first officer, I presume._

When there is no response, she continues to project, drawing strength from deep within.

_Commander Una looks a lot like me, but I’m not her. What do you mean by ‘returned to join your captain’?_

_If you are so different from her, why do you too, hide your true self?_

_That’s not answering my question._

_We could offer you paradise. The freedom to create and explore real worlds with just your imagination. The freedom to continue your previous career as you’ve always desired. The freedom of life, without the duties to your House and your spouse._

She reacts as though she’d been slapped, and clenches her hands.

_And who gave you permission to probe?_

There is silence.

_Why would you offer me all these things? What good would all of this do to you?_

She hears nothing in return. Again.

_What are you hiding?_

Closing her eyes, she supresses all other thoughts, focusing on locating the voices through their link.

She barely latches on, and it feels as if she’s finding a needle in a haystack, but then she suddenly sees it all.

The rise and the fall of their civilization, their attempts to rebuild, their captivity of the _Enterprise_ crew, all within the span of a heartbeat.

The pieces of the puzzle are all coming into place.

_This is what it’s all about, isn’t it? You want me and Captain Pike to come and help rebuild your civilization, in more ways than one, and in return you’ll grant us eternal freedom._

_But is that not what your heart desires?_

She continues to probe, and her doppelganger’s words echo in her mind.

_It’s wrong to create a whole race of humans to live as slaves._

Steadying herself, she makes her decision.

_What you’re offering me is tempting. But in the end, it would still be just an illusion. A fantasy. And I can’t spend the rest of my life trapped in a cage, no matter how wonderful it is._

_You will not get the chance to return here. Starfleet will not allow it._

_I know_. Her smile is bittersweet.

_Then, may you find your way as pleasant, Lwaxana._

She breaks the link.


	10. Chapter 10

She’s happy for Spock, of course.

But she also feels nothing but envy as her repressed anxieties start to resurface.

Taking part in mortal combat would be the last thing she would ever do to break off her arranged marriage, but then again, she’s not Vulcan.

If only.

Genetic bonding and arranged marriages are one of the most revered and established traditions on her planet, something which her grandmother had driven into her from a young age.

To dissolve the marriage would mean marking one’s House with stigma and shame, going against the very foundation of their society.

She hasn’t heard anything from home yet, for which she’s counting her blessings, but she knows it’s only a matter of time.

If they really turn up, she doesn’t know what she’ll do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just got a job offer and if everything goes fine, updates will be infrequent, sorry!   
> Meanwhile, I'm loving all this FREE REAL ESTATE (TM)


	11. Chapter 11

She’s always found the idea of parallel universes to be most intriguing.

But after hearing about what Nyota went through, she’s not so sure.

Her friend is the epitome of professionalism, keeping her feelings in check while on duty.

Yet she’s been having paralysing nightmares, lapsing back into Swahili when she wakes up in the middle of the night in cold sweat.

Janice is worried, and so is she.

McCoy’s a whole different problem.

Though his readings are stable, he refuses to talk about his forced mind-meld with the other Spock. He’s been finding fewer and fewer excuses to visit the bridge, preferring to stay locked up in his office.

She knows he’s been drinking more heavily, but she’s in no position to stop him.

If only they had a counsellor on board.

Janice says Nyota mentioned not being able to find either of them on the crew manifest.

For a fleeting moment, she wonders if her double is happy.

Then she shakes her head and shudders.

In such a universe, she would have become cold-blooded, cruel, even willing to kill. Her telepathy could have made her an agent of the Empire, used to weed out dissent and for torture.

Or she herself could have been supressed. Whoever ruled the Empire could have simply wiped Betazed off the face of the galaxy, or imprisoned its peoples in the name of imperial security, trapping them forever in a cage. 

Her reality may not be perfect, but she’s happy enough.

And that’s all that matters.


	12. Chapter 12

It’s torture.

With each slap, with each physical contact, the barrier in her mind starts to chip.

And as his conscience awakens, their telepathic link strengthens, amplifying his pain.

It feels almost as if she’s slapping herself.

She winces, wanting to stop, but she can’t. Not if she wants Spock to live.

The pain is so overwhelming that she doesn’t notice the doors opening, but by then, it’s too late.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING, WOMAN?!”

Strong arms drag her away and she struggles to break free, but she’s locked in a firm grip.

“Leave me alone!”

_No, you can’t do this! I have to help him!_

“Have you gone daft?!” Scott bellows as he continues to restrain her.

“Mr Spock needs me! Let go!”

_What the hell, Scotty? Let me go!_

She can feel Spock fading away as Scott’s anger starts to overwhelm her senses, when M’Benga slips in unannounced and proceeds to inflict much more pain on Spock – and her.

Her head is still throbbing when Spock stops M’Benga, who in turn gets Scott to release her.

After explaining that the physical contact was a way for him to regain consciousness, Spock attempts to get up, and she heads to his side instinctively, placing her hand on his back to support him.

She may be annoyed out of her mind, but she still has a job to do.

“Thank you nurse, I’m quite fully recovered.”

_My hands hurt and I’m exhausted and my head is about to explode and this is the thing he thanks me for, that son of a –_

_Language, Miss Chapel._

She stops short and glares at him. “Yes, I see you are.”

_Problem with that, mister?_

Spock just looks away and sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a warning, the next few chapters will deal with and have some depictions of mental assault; I will put TWs at the start of the chapters. (Also, until I started writing this, I never realized how many TOS episodes deal with these sort of thing. Someone get them a counsellor, stat!)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mental Assault

She examines the hypo, and frowns.

“This hypo does not contain the same formula.”

“No. That’s correct.” Sargon, inhabiting Spock’s body, speaks with outmost confidence. “But since I will arrange for you to administer each of the injections, no one else will notice.”

Her blood turns cold as she takes in his words.

“But without the same formula, Captain Kirk will die,” she protests, trying to figure out a way to warn Doctor McCoy.

Before she can make a move, Sargon reaches forward, placing icy fingers on her forehead and chin.

In the blink of an eye, the chill spreads to the rest of her body and she’s frozen in place, unable to break free.

She can only watch in terror as Sargon usurps her mental control with malice and buries a command deep in her mind, erecting new layers of shielding to cover his tracks.

_You will not speak of this to anyone else._

He removes his hand, and she tries to scream, call for help.

_Murderer!_

But all she can do is to stand helplessly as her voice, no longer her own, responds to Henoch as if nothing had happened.

She’s trapped.

She tries reaching out to whoever can hear her, but she only hears silence.

The shield Henoch erected is like a brick wall and any attempt to break free only adds more layers of resistance.

She can’t stop Doctor McCoy from giving the rest of the injections, and she wants to cry out in grief as the last shot kills Captain Kirk.

But she can’t.

She excuses herself after Kirk’s body is brought to sickbay, her entire body numb.

Alone, in her quarters, she picks up a pen, trying to write down what happened, only to produce gibberish – Henoch’s way of silencing her further.

Placing her head in her hands, she sobs.

Then she feels the ghost of a hand wiping away a tear, and she looks up.

She’s alone in the room, but she can feel someone – or something, trying to reach her.

_Sargon?_

Without warning, the barrier is lifted and she collapses, but something else descends on her.

_I am sorry for what Henoch did for you, but permit me to occupy your body for just a few moments. Henoch must be stopped._

She’s too tired to resist, and she finds herself being led to sickbay, where Thalassa is waiting.

The moment McCoy leaves, Sargon departs to rejoin the rest of his consciousness.

For a brief, glorious moment, her thoughts are her own.

Then she’s a prisoner of her own mind again, as Spock occupies her body to carry out their plan.

He means well, but she’s just a pawn in their scheme, a victim of her telepathic nature.

She begins to wonder if it was wise to remain on the _Enterprise_.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of mental assault

The trauma of Henoch’s possession still linger no matter how hard she tries to block out her memories, and the chasm only widened following the incident with Gorgan.

His shields were weak, and she had seen through the being’s plans without any effort. Yet in the end, she was still playing with fire.

He became aware of her snooping and arranged for her to be locked in the brig, where he showed her a hellish future where she was bound forever in the loveless marriage she never wanted, never allowed to step outside and to see the stars.

As soon as things returned to normal, she immediately applied for shore leave.

Her nightmares began to dissipate and she wished she could stay at the Parallax colony forever, but she had her duties to return to. Perhaps if she could persuade Mr Scott to build a mud bath in one of the rec rooms…

Grabbing her lunch tray, she heads to their usual table.

“So, did I miss much?”

“Oh, honey, you should be glad that you weren’t here.” Nyota grimaces as she takes a sip of her coffee.

“We got thrown into an unknown region of space and Commander Spock went mad from looking at our telepathic ambassador, all because of some silly love triangle,” Janice deadpans.

“Huh.” She’s really counting her lucky stars now. “I thought it was supposed to be a simple escort mission.”

“Apparently, Mr Marvick, who was in love with Doctor Jones, who loved Ambassador Kollos, lost his mind after trying to kill the ambassador and sent the _Enterprise_ to no man’s land.” Nyota rolls her eyes. “Then, he died before he could reverse our course.”

Janice puts down her fork. “After that, Spock mind-linked with the ambassador and brought us back, but rumour has it that Doctor Jones was jealous and made him forget his protective visor when he broke the link.”

“Which drove him mad?” She’s never met the Medusans, and now she thinks she never wants to.

“Exactly.” Nyota steals some peas off Janice’s plate, and she starts laughing despite herself.

“It sounds like something out of a bad holo-romance.”

“I know!” Janice turns and winks at Nyota. “I’m glad the real thing is much better.”

Nyota grins and squeezes her hand, then resumes their conversation. “I’m not sure how they worked it out, but Doctor Jones managed to help Mr Spock and everything ended up fine.”

“Good for them.” Maybe she could have made a difference if she was on board, but she’s glad that she wasn’t.

It would have been more likely that she would have been probed or violated against her will, and she’s beginning to get tired of having her telepathy being used against her. She has no idea how Spock can stand the constant incursions. Maybe it’s his Vulcan discipline.

“Well then,” she says in her cheeriest voice in an attempt to lighten her mood, “Here’s a toast to happy endings and to the best love story of all time.”

Her friends grin. “Here, here!”

She can’t be happy for herself, but the least she can do is to be happy for them.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mental assault

She’s but a puppet in the hands of the Platonians; a child’s plaything.

Her body moves as if it’s had a mind of its own and she no longer recognizes her own voice.

It’s not the first time this has happened, but the Platonians find perverse pleasure in lowering her mental defences, and she’s close to breaking.

She can feel everything at once – the sadism from the thrilled Platonians, the embarrassment and horror radiating from her crewmates, the continuous steam of thoughts threatening to pull her under.

She hears Nyota’s begging for the nightmare to end, wanting to back safe and sound in Janice’s arms.

Spock’s theories on how to escape, mingled with increasingly frequent flares of unhinged anger.

Kirk’s shame at failing to protect his crew, and his furious desire to do something before more of his crew become captive playthings.

McCoy’s unsaid strings of curses that would make a Tellarite blush, wanting to stay behind, sacrificing his freedom to spare his friends.

She wants to cry, but the Platonians give her no such luxury.

When she whispers to Spock that she wishes to crawl away and die, she really means it.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mentions of mental assault

Everything about this trial feels wrong.

A show trial, her old teachers would have called it. If she could, she would reach out with her abilities and put an end to the situation.

But that would mean relieving her pain.

She shut herself out after the incident with the Platonians and curbed her birthright, never intending to use it again.

Not when it almost broke her.

So she sits in silence, her body numb.

Captain Kirk, or Janice Lester, according to Spock’s accusations, calls for a recess.

She stays put, knowing she has nowhere to go and that there is nothing she can do. From the corner of her eye, she sees Spock standing up, apparently to adjust his seating position. But as he sits, his fingers discreetly brush over hers for a fraction of a second.

Their link is weak, the result of her neglecting her abilities, but she still hears him clearly.

_Miss Chapel, I require your assistance._

She debates ignoring him, but she can see the desperation in his eyes.

It hurts, but she opens her mind to his, just barely.

_Mr Spock?_

There is a pause, and she can see him flinch.

_I did not know they had caused you so much pain._

_I’m sure you didn’t contact me to just make that observation, Mr Spock._

_If it causes you this much distress, I will terminate the link._

_I’m a big girl, Spock. You wanted some assistance?_

_Very well. Your telepathic abilities are needed to confirm that Janice Lester has truly switched bodies with Captain Kirk. However, I am concerned that revealing your abilities may be used against you._

_You mean Lester might accuse me of being a fraud for keeping the secret, if I give the evidence._

_That is one possibility. In addition, I am now concerned about the state of your mental health._

_Are you talking to me as my superior officer, or from telepath to telepath?_

_It is illogical to persist in activities hazardous to one’s well-being._

_I know._

She directs her attention to Kirk and Lester as she gently focuses on their thoughts, trying to but failing to shake off the anxiety and disbelief radiating from the rest of the room. And then she’s hit by a sudden wave of intense emotions from the two humans, her disused abilities barely shielding her.

Spock’s right, but at what cost?

She breaks the link and closes her eyes, breathing deeply.

But before she can put together a response, Lester, in Kirk’s body, charges the returning Doctor McCoy and Commander Scott of mutiny, ordering the death penalty.

She wants to speak out, protest against this insanity, but she’s dragged out unceremoniously by the guards and ordered to remain in sickbay.

As she sits at her station, hoping for the best, she comes to a realization.

It’s time for her to move on.


	17. Chapter 17

Medical School is no walk in the park, but she’s enjoying every moment of it.

Diving through the pages of her textbooks give her an adrenaline rush, and she realizes how much she’s missed studying.

Being stationed on Earth has other benefits, too.

Janice, who is taking classes in transporter theory, meets her several times a week for dinner, while Nyota finds time off from her post at Orbital Control to catch up with them every weekend.

They agree to coordinate their respective leaves, and she brings them to the Parallax colony for a week of relaxation and fun. Nyota can’t stand the mud, but then Janice starts a mud fight which ends up with them collapsed on the floor in hysterical laughter, caked in so much mud that Nyota quips none of them will need to exfoliate for months.

The following year, on one of the rare weekends when Janice is away on a training cruise, Nyota tells her that she’s planning to propose to Janice. After much squealing, they conspire to arrange for a romantic weekend on their next leave on Risa.

Janice is oblivious to their scheming, and when Nyota pops the question, she cries tears of joy.

They get married in the spring with her as their bridesmaid in a small but simple ceremony, and she’s never been prouder of her best friends.

Nothing can take away her happiness.

Or so she thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ship Rand/Uhura, Rand/Uhura is fun, come right now, don’t walk, run!


	18. Chapter 18

“Rand to Doctor Chapel.”

“Chapel here.” She smiles, knowing that her friend is enjoying this.

Although the ship is occupied by a skeleton crew and being refit at a snail’s pace, Janice has been taking every available opportunity to address her by her new title in public. 

“Would you come to the transporter room? You have a package from the, uh, Betazoid Embassy?” Janice sounds confused.

She feels like she’s been punched in the gut.

_It couldn’t be?_

As soon as she steps into her friend’s domain, Janice nods at her and works the controls.

In a shimmer of light, a large silver box appears.

On any other occasion, it could pass off as a perfectly unassuming (if not oversized) care package.

And it certainly would, except that this one had a humanoid face imprinted on its side, waiting to deliver a message.

Her worst nightmare has come true.

“What the hell?!” Janice exclaims as maniac silver eyes burst open without warning.

“I hold a message for –”

Without thinking, she dives forward and covers the mouth, not wanting to listen to her messenger.

“Christine, what the heck is this?” Janice starts to approach her, but stops in her tracks as the voice gets louder and louder.

“ – will soon arrive. The momentous day is close at hand. Rejoice!”

The face cackles, and she jumps back with a yelp as the box bursts open, showering the transporter pad with jewellery.

_This can’t be happening._

“So, uh, I don’t really want to pry, but what exactly is this about?” Janice finally asks. “I know you’ve never really wanted to talk about your family, but…”

Her voice turns flat. “It’s a gift box. My people send them out as a wedding tradition.”

“I didn’t know you were… I mean, there’s no way you would get married before telling us, right?” Janice says in disbelief.

“I’m not.”

“Then, why go through all the trouble to do this?”

She sighs. “It’s supposed to be an arranged marriage.”

“Then tell them you’re already married.”

“To who?”

“Well, you can say you’re married to me.”

She stares at Janice.

“You can’t be serious.”

“I am.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re already married.”

“If you need me to pretend to be your wife to get your family off your back, I’ll do it. Ny will understand. Besides, we have enough holos that can pass off as honeymoon photos.”

“Oh, Janice.” She leans into her friend’s embrace. “You know I love you.”

Janice strokes her hair. “I love you too. So let’s do this.”

“But I can’t,” she protests, pulling back with tears in her eyes. “They’ll insist that both of us go home, and they’ll know that we’re just pretending.”

“You’re sure you don’t want to do this?” Janice sounds ready to do anything for her sake.

She shakes her head, and begins returning the jewellery to the box. “Can you do me a favour?”

“Always.”

“Tell the embassy,” she says in her coldest voice, “I’m returning the box and that I won’t take any messages from them.”


	19. Chapter 19

Leonard says he’s genuinely sorry, and she believes him.

Yet, he accepted Kirk’s offer with no reservations, clearly wanting to relieve the good old days with his elite circle of friends.

Which left her unceremoniously demoted and kicked off the senior staff, with nary a word of apology from the captain.

To say that she’s beyond pissed is an understatement. She persevered through medical school, aced her internships, fought hard to get this very posting – and all for nothing.

Part of the reason why she wanted to become a doctor was to truly justify her leaving; to show her family that she was doing something they could be proud of, something that was impossible if she were to remain bound by tradition.

She knows there are plenty of other ships in the fleet eager to sign on _Enterprise_ personnel, and she could easily request a transfer, but it wouldn’t be the same thing.

Because she really, really, wanted this job.

Nyota and Janice console her, giving her an endless supply of hugs, and start talking about lodging a formal protest, but she tells them it’s not worth the trouble.

Especially since she was never part of the club.

She finishes tagging the last of her belongings for transport to her new quarters and is about to leave when the computer chimes.

_Probably something for Leonard_ , she thinks, but checks it out anyway.

The message is brief, but she reads it over and over until the truth sinks in.

It’s finally over.

By all means, she should be celebrating this small victory, but all she feels is a sense of dull relief. Nothing more, nothing less.

She deletes the message and leaves.

There’s no turning back.


	20. Chapter 20

“You’re not happy,” Janice says gently as they share a drink while the _Enterprise_ is at Spacedock. “Why not join me here? The admiral is always looking for new recruits, especially ones with medical training.”

Janice, who had been headhunted a few months ago, thinks that she’s still miserable. Namely, because her career was going nowhere, and even the news that her marriage was called off did nothing to cheer her up.

What Janice doesn’t know is that her House has just practically disowned her. Causing them shame and embarrassment, she’s become the black sheep of the family; a blemish on their name.

She finally got what she wanted, but at the cost of being cast out.

It hurts.

Even though she has long thought of Nyota and Janice as family, a part of her heart still belongs to Betazed.

There’s nothing that can be done, nothing that can be changed.

Which is why she ends up in Emergency Operations.

The work’s exhausting and the pace is unforgiving, which is just what she needs. It takes her mind off the pain, letting her concentrate on what really matters: saving lives. Reeling in her emotions, she becomes more brutally efficient and pragmatic with each passing day, something made easier by the long suppression of her telepathy.

Sometimes, though, she wishes she could just stop and break down from the stress, but she has no tears left to cry.


	21. Chapter 21

It’s been crisis after crisis.

Following a disastrous encounter with Khan Noonien Singh, Spock sacrificed himself to save the _Enterprise_. Then, the senior staff stole the ship and proceeded to the off-limits Genesis Planet to recover Spock, after which a battle with the Klingons resulted in the destruction of what was once her home.

They’re all safe, having been granted protection on Vulcan, but Command’s already drafting a plan to bring them back – by force, if necessary.

Janice is panicking badly, wanting to speak to Nyota, find out if she’s alright, but communications have been restricted. Her friend has already met with Starfleet Security, and does not want a repeat of the unpleasant experience. Already, she’s contemplating calling off her plans to make contact with Sarek to get some answers.

She was called in too, but the interview was short, with the officers determining that she had nothing to do with the _Enterprise_ incidents.

Which was not an untrue statement.

Admittedly, part of her does feel worried. Even though they haven’t talked in ages, Nyota’s still one of her closest friends. As far as she’s concerned, Nyota did the right thing, but Starfleet would never see things the same way, and she knows they will never take the case lightly.

Yet another part of her is telling her to let go, to not be bothered by something out of her line of work, by a group of individuals who are merely ex-colleagues, nothing more.

Especially since there’s not a single thing she can do to help.

There was always a chasm between her and the senior staff, and the number of years they served together did nothing to bridge the gap. She was never part of their family.

So she puts her feelings aside and does her duties as a Starfleet officer.

Just as she has always done.


	22. Chapter 22

She wants to be happy from the bottom of her heart, but she can’t.

Janice and Nyota, after learning that Captain Kirk was planning a boat charter for the _Enterprise_ senior staff and Doctor Gillian Taylor to visit the two whales brought over from the past, decided to celebrate their wedding anniversary and the acquittal at the same time.

The ship is cramped, but the atmosphere is joyous as her ex-crewmates catch up and give their blessings to the happy couple. She plays her part, until her heart is at its breaking point and she leaves the room to find solace alone on the deck.

Her grandmother had passed away just days before the Probe crisis, and in her message asking her to return home, exile be damned, her mother told her that she loved her and that she missed her.

She’d broken down. There was no way she could return home, not with her presence needed in Ops. She was a grown adult, and had responsibilities. But some part of her terribly wished she could return to her mother’s warm embrace, where everything was alright and she could bask in her adoration.

With a heavy heart, she’d deleted the message, and returned to reality.

A reality of pain.

The waves are choppy and the wind is chilly, but she thinks it suits her mood just fine.

She hears a sudden commotion from the upper deck, and cranes her neck to see what’s going on.

Doctor Taylor rushes down with Sulu hot at her heels, and pauses to shoot her a winning grin. “Isn’t it wonderful? We’re approaching George and Gracie at starboard!”

Her ex-crewmates start to congregate on the deck, chatting excitedly as they eagerly await the reunion.

Chekov climbs down from the bridge, brandishing a pair of binoculars “made in Russia”, and soon everyone is jostling to get a turn. While advances in nautical technology had made it much easier to locate sea life, Captain Kirk had insisted that they do things the old-fashioned way: radar and one’s own eyesight.

“See anything yet, Christine?” Leonard asks jovially as he passes by with some booze from his private stash, clearly intending to enjoy the trip as much as possible.

Well.

It wouldn’t hurt if she helped too.

She scans the horizon, looking for signs of movement as she tunes out her crewmates’ chatter.

Oceanography is not something she’s trained in, but she knows enough, keeping watch for sudden changes in wave patterns.

The waves in motion are almost hypnotic, and for the first time in a long while, she feels at peace.

Then, the unexpected happens.

_Who are you?_

She blinks, startled.

 _Who are you?_ Asks a second voice. George.

 _No, it can’t be_ , she starts to think. Whales weren’t telepathic… weren’t they?

 _Then why did you reach out to us?_ Gracie ponders as she surfaces alongside the boat, to the delight of the rest.

_It was an accident._

_I don’t recognize you. You are different from the one known as Spock._

Janice spots George, and they’re all cramming in to take a look.

“Who brought the camera?” She hears Kirk yell over the noise, and soon she’s being ushered to pose for a group photograph. For a moment, she feels as if she’s on top of the world, riding on her friends’ euphoria.

Then George inquires: _Why are you sad?_

She grimaces.

“Smile, Christine!” Scotty hollers, snapping away.

 _I am happy,_ she insists, as she tries her best to grin. _I love my job. I love being with my friends. I love being able to help others._

 _But why does your heart think of home?_ Gracie asks, before she disappears under the waves.


	23. Chapter 23

She’s all alone.

Starfleet promoted Janice to Communications Officer aboard the _Excelsior_ a few weeks ago and she couldn’t have been more thrilled than Nyota, except for the fact that she no longer has a family on Earth.

She still keeps in touch with the two of them, but it’s increasingly difficult to secure real-time communications, leaving her with distant memories of their conversations, becoming faint whispers in her mind that constantly remind her of her isolation.

Cartwright thinks that she’s lonely and burnt out, and keeps inviting her to join him and his clique for lunch or drinks. Which certainly wouldn’t hurt, but she always declines. Though it’s to the detriment of both her mental state and her career prospects, she’s never in the mood for socializing. Instead, she just does her job and returns to her apartment alone, day in and day out.

The stars in the sky, which gave her a magical sense of wonder once upon a time, now merely form a generic backdrop to her daily commute. No longer does she stop to gaze at the heavens; no longer does she dream of hope and of strange new worlds. It’s a mundane, dull existence. The only thing keeping her alive within this meaningless cage is her routine job, nothing more, nothing less.

That’s her life, the only life she knows.

If Janice and Nyota were here, they would be trying to snap her out of her funk, tell her to seek out new postings, to move on and do something that she loves, but she can’t bring herself to do it.

She’s exhausted and doesn’t have the energy, the complete opposite of the newest addition to her department. Ensign Valeris is bright and always ready to learn, which is why Cartwright and the higher ups already like her. Valeris may be Vulcan, but she’s full of youthful optimism, shining like the sun among the sea of tired recruits. Whenever she speaks, she brings about a wave of inspiration, giving hope to those in the dark.

Except for her.

She can’t remember how it feels like, being this hopeful.


	24. Chapter 24

Her tricorder breaks down again, and she cusses.

Granted, she knew they would never be sent with the best equipment on this mission, especially given the state of the colony’s relations with the Federation. But she can’t do her job like this, not in barely-funded base of operations masquerading a laboratory that’s supposed to remain standing for another five months.

The surrounding floorboards begin to creak again, one of the many annoyances she’s managed to tune out over the course of the year. She’s about to ignore it, as usual, and focus on restarting her computer terminal when she notices the source of the noise: one of her junior officers.

“I know you’re busy, ma’am,” Ensign Chan says with apprehensive restraint as he approaches, “But you need to see this.”

He’s trembling badly, and she frowns.

“Do I really want to know what’s this all about?”

Chan lets out a long sigh, his eyes haunted. “Yes, I think you should, ma’am.”

“Well, then, lead the way, Ensign.”

Stowing her tricorder, she wipes her hands on her already-filthy uniform and follows Chan to the small room they’ve nicknamed HQ.

A newsfeed is playing on the monitors. There’s so much chatter and information being disseminated that she’s having trouble processing all of it, but it doesn’t take long before she’s chilled to the bone.

Admiral Cartwright and Lieutenant Valeris were part of a conspiracy to sabotage the peace between the Federation and the Klingon Empire, with their attempts foiled by Captains Kirk and Spock.

Cartwright, whom she genuinely trusted, who had given Janice a glowing recommendation for her new position on the _Excelsior_ , who she initially thought was one of those hard-ass admirals with unrealistic expectations, but actually turned out to be reasonable and understanding.

Valeris, whom she had gotten to know from collaborating on a number of projects, who turned out to be an excellent conversationalist, who she begun to regard as her one and only friend on Earth. She actually had been looking forward to returning, just so they could catch up.

Until now.

“What do we do now?” Chan asks, catching her frozen expression as the revelations sink in. “What’s going to happen?”

Though she’s the ranking officer, she doesn’t have the authority to suspend or cancel the mission, nor the right to commandeer a ship right back to Earth and demand to know what the hell went wrong. So she lifts her chin and speaks, her cold voice surprisingly steady.

“We still have a mission to complete, Ensign. Until Starfleet deems it necessary to pull us out, we will continue following our orders.”

Chan nods and hurries back to his station. Before the door even shuts, she too, starts to tremble, not in shock, but in anger.

Anger, at the fact that the two of the noblest individuals she had ever known were capable of such deceit.

Anger, at the fact that the situation could have been averted if only she had not given up what was hers to command. In abandoning her abilities, she had betrayed herself yet again.

_Telepathy may a burden at times, but in the right situation, it can prove to be a gift_ , Mr Spock had said to her decades ago.

In becoming Christine Chapel, she had lost herself.

She had her days in the sun, experiencing all the wonders of the world and getting to expand her horizons to her heart’s desires, just as she had always wished.

Yet somewhere along the way the sun set and never returned, leaving her in perpetual darkness; a marionette subservient to the dark whims of fate.

_Why are you sad?_

It was something which she had long learned to accept as part of her reality, something which could never be changed. With each loss, with each suppressive action, she became incapable of finding joy, incapable of enjoying life. Never fighting back, never looking upwards.

Trapped, in a cage with open doors, never used.

_Nothing’s going to happen to me._

But it did, and now the cost is too high.

It takes her more than a while to come to terms with her feelings, and it takes her even longer to decide on her next move. But she has no regrets, no second thoughts.

Once the mission and the debriefings are over, she does what she should have done a long time ago.

She resigns from Starfleet.


	25. Chapter 25

“I’m going home.”

That’s all she’s told Nyota and Janice, both of whom begged her to reconsider and to put in a transfer to their respective ships.

She could be along family again, and never be alone among the stars. With her experience, she could readily get a senior posting of her choice, maybe even make Captain a few years down the line.

But she’s made up her mind, and it’s time to step away from the empty shell that is Christine Chapel, time to return to a place where she can be herself again.

_Home_.

Her mother had already warned her that not everyone in their House was receptive to her returning, and that she would be expected to stay, at least for a while.

It’s going to be a troubled homecoming, trading one cage for another. There’s no denying it.

She knows, but she doesn’t care.

She misses being called Little One and being in her mother’s safe embrace.

She misses being able to open up her mind, to be able to feel being loved without words.

She misses being able to find joy in living, to be able to smile once again.

Most of all, she misses being happy.

Maybe she’ll go out again one day, once her wounds have healed, but for now she’ll return to her duties as Daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the Sacred Chalice of Rixx and the Heir to the Holy Rings of Betazed.


End file.
